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Living together before marriage — why I’m waiting until after the wedding

May 25, 2013 / Patrick Padley / 18 Comments

I am officially a nomad until I get married in November. I moved out of my house and am temporarily living with my parents. Life would be much easier if my fiancé and I were living together. Practical problems like financial pressures would make moving in with her a good solution. From my rough calculation, Nicole and I would save about $300 per month (money that would be nice to have for our honeymoon). However, there is value in waiting to live together until after you are married. Below are the reasons I’m waiting to move in until after I say, “I do.”

I want my marriage to last

The fact of the matter is that couples who cohabit before marriage tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect. There is a big difference between a permanent bond such as marriage and just living together in a conditional relationship.

It’s easier to slip into marriage

Often after living with your significant other for a long time, a wedding seems like something you should do. Getting married should not be a default next step. Marriage is an active and conscious decision to say that you will love and be committed to this person for your lifetime. By living together before marriage, you don’t get space (literally) to take a step back and objectively decide whether this person is truly meant to be your spouse.

I don’t need to “test it out”

A lot of people say, “I can only marry someone if he or she agrees to live together first so that we can find out whether we really get along.” Many think that this a good way to avoid divorce. This logic is flawed. Women and men see moving in together differently. Women are more likely to view cohabitation as a step toward marriage while men are more likely to see it as a way to test a relationship or postpone commitment.

The more important question is, what is there to test? I’ve dated Nicole for over a year and a half. I think I know how my fiancé lives her life. True, I may not fully understand all her nuances, but these are all part of the excitement (and struggle) of marriage.

I want to keep the spark alive

One of the beautiful things about marriage and the engagement period is its mystery. If we had lived together when I proposed, it would have made that hugely romantic gesture a lot less momentous. Most of the romance comes from the idea that the man and woman are entering into a huge new commitment together. If you’re already engaging in all the intimacy and sacrifice that comes with making a home together, the excitement fizzles away.

Part of what keeps the spark alive is a couple experiencing new things together. Moving in together seems pretty new and monumental wouldn’t you say?

I don’t want my wedding to be lame

Living together before marriage makes most wedding traditions meaningless. What is the point of a bachelor party? The honeymoon turns into just a fun trip and lacks a certain specialness. Lastly, the symbolism of a father walking his daughter down the aisle is lost given that it’s supposed to show the woman leaving her home and making a new one with her husband.

Chastity smastity

I decided to wait to have sex until marriage long before I met Nicole. One of the hardest things for guys to do is to say goodbye to their honeys at the end of the night (it’s even worse when you are engaged). Living together would only make chaste living that much more difficult.

I like to be unique

According to the New York Times, cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the last half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. Why should I be like everyone else?

In today’s complex world, I can see how living together before marriage would seem to simplify things. However, more and more I’m convinced that the sacrifices are well worth the benefits of waiting to make a home until after the wedding.

Have thoughts, leave them in the comments below or tweet us @CoupleCatholics.

Top social network sites for teens and what parents need to know

May 25, 2013 / Nicole Padley / 0 Comments

I’m not a parent yet, but being a middle school teacher supplies me unique insight into what’s trending particularly with young teens. You wouldn’t believe the things I see and hear in my classroom as the students interact with their peers. Students today face an immense amount of pressure to stay connected with their friends than ever before. While social media adds its benefits to life, put in irresponsible and immature hands can prove detrimental to a student’s emotional growth at the very least.

What’s Trending?

So, what are the top social network sites for teens? To understand where teens like to spend their virtual time nowadays, just watch them on their smartphones. Facebook is becoming irrelevant. Just the other day I took a spontaneous poll in class to discover which social media channel was used most by my 8th grade students. Here are the results:

Vine (60% of students) – A six second video app that allows users to share the video on other social networks such as Facebook and Twitter.
Instagram (97% of students) – This app allows users to take pictures, apply digital filters and share them on a variety of social networks such as Facebook and Twitter.
Snapchat (90% of students) – An app where users can take photos or record videos and send them to a select list of recipients. Users then set a time limit for how long recipients can view their photos (no longer than 10 seconds) after which the photo or video will be deleted from the recipient’s device and the company’s servers.
Texting (100% of students) – If you aren’t aware of what this is get out from under your rock!

So what’s the big deal?

The point isn’t just that times change… we all know that. Rather, it is crucial that parents are aware their children are facing more pressure to “fit in” now than you or I ever did simply because more of day to day life is being documented. Teens are evermore conscious of what they are or aren’t missing out on… adding a whole new spin to cyber-bullying. Aside from this point, teens possess a natural privy to what is trending and what isn’t. This makes it even more difficult for parents to protect their children from the dangers that can occur with the use social media. Teens are discovering, using and potentially abusing these new forms of communications long before parents and myself are even made aware of what they are. I mention this not to scare parents or discourage teens from using these kind of apps. Instead, I hope this post is educational for parents and inspires responsible use for young people.

What’s a Parent to do?

It is not enough to monitor your child’s Facebook or Twitter activity. There are countless other avenues in which teens can find themselves victims of cyber-bullying. For example, as explained above, the app Snapchat allows photos and videos to be sent and then automatically deleted. This is the opposite of Facebook: simple, seemingly secret, and fun. It doesn’t take the imagination very long to think up numerous ways a teenager could abuse an app like this. Parents, you need to immerse yourselves in their culture and discover what it is that your teens are truly using in terms of social media. Along with that, you need to educate your children on how to responsibly use these things. Below I’ve listed a few good resources to help you stay up to date and get the conversation with your teens started. Any other tips to share? Write us a comment below.

7 Wedding Registry Tips: How to Register with Authority

April 14, 2013 / Nicole Padley / 1 Comment

There aren’t many parts of planning a wedding that I have truly enjoyed, but registering for gifts that others will buy me has been enjoyable. It is easy to get overwhelmed by the registry process, but not to worry, I’ve come up with a list of practical wedding registry tips to keep in mind when tackling this aspect of the engagement adventure.

1. Start with general ideas of what you need.

Go with categories here people. Consider what rooms you need to fill. What do you or your fiancé already have? Where are you going to be living after the wedding? Before you even step foot into a store jot down a list of must have items for both you and your fiancé.

Wanna look over a wedding registry checklist? Here are some helpful links:

Bed, Bath and Beyond Wedding Registry Checklist

The Knot Registry Checklist

2. Focus on 2-3 places for your wedding registry.

Not all of your guests are going to have the same budget, but many will spend more on you than you would ever spend on yourself. The key here is to give your guests options. The more options you give them the better. Try to select stores that cater to different price points. Also, keep in mind the geography of your guest list. If most of your guest are coming from a ruaral small town that barely has a Target, you probably want to think about registering there instead of that high-end department store in your city.

Before you get all scanner happy, be sure to check out the return policy. Some places are definitely easier to work with than others. My recommendation… Bed, Bath and Beyond. They have a great return policy and the sales associates there are great at helping you get started.

3. Try to keep an open mind.

You and your soon to be spouse will most likely have different décor flares. Just like marriage the art of compromise will come in handy. If you find yourself at a stand-off there is no rule that says you can’t get more than one.

4. If you want it, scan it.

Chances are you will be making many rounds of returns later. So, if you are on the fence about an item, my advice is to scan it. This also goes for things you would like, but might feel they are unnecessary (i.e. back massage chair). Scan it anyway. No harm in asking right? If there are certain items you really want be sure to scan them at multiple stores. You’ll have the best chance of getting it this way.

5. Don’t scan seasonal items and think quality.

Be sure to avoid seasonal or sale items cause they probably won’t be around when your guests go shopping for you. Also, focus on quality. There is only one time in your life that you can ask for free stuff, so why not get something that will last a lifetime.

6. Don’t bring an entourage.

The fewer involved the better…you and spouse, not entourage. The more people that are involved, the more opinions you will have to listen to. These people don’t have to live with this stuff for the next 30 years…you and your spouse will.

7. There aren’t any rules.

Just because your mother is insistent upon registering for some nice china, doesn’t mean you need to do it. Same goes for sales people… take advice but go with gut. You are the ones who have got live with it later.

One final word, registering is time consuming. Be prepared to set aside a good chunk of time. I would say about 2-4 hours. Patrick and I spent 6 hours in the first trip. If you can’t make it that long, then stop. This is going to be a multiple trip process anyway. So when you stop caring, stop scanning. This process can be stressful at times, but in my experience this is also one of the best parts of engagement. So don’t hold back. Scan away and enjoy the process. Once you get the hang of it you’ll find yourself on a roll.

Got more wedding registry tips, let me know in the comments below.

You Said That?!?! (How We Met Part 2 of 4)

April 3, 2013 / Nicole Padley / 4 Comments

As Patrick and I prepare for a lifetime together I find it fitting that we take a moment to recall our beginnings. Every couple enjoys telling the story of how they met and we are no exception. Just as the saying goes, “when you aren’t searching for it, someone great comes along.” This is exactly what happened when I met Pat. In August of 2011, I had just returned to Kansas after spending the summer with a friend in Houston.

A co-worker and now my maid of honor, Clare and I decided to get out of Atchison for the evening and head to Kansas City…a trip we made all too often. Once in KC, we heard about a Catholic, young adult event that would be happening that evening. This was totally our style…adoration followed by a BBQ. Needless to say, we were in.

At Saint Peter’s Catholic church as I stood in line for confession, a dashing, albeit very tall man walked by and immediately caught my eye. (Have you seen him, folks… I mean how could he not?) It was in this moment that I distinctly recall experiencing a sense that some would call coincidence, I, on the other hand like to call it a God-poke. Due to many previous experiences in my life, I believe that our God is a God who can and at moments does directly work in our lives. Anyway, I sensed that this man…this tall, unknown man would soon be playing a crucial role in my life. This intuition made me quite uncomfortable. I tried to brush it off as nothing more than my emotions running away from me again, little did I realize the significance of it all.

SEE ALSO: How We Met Part 1

Fast forward to the BBQ later that evening in the pastor’s backyard, Clare and I couldn’t find a seat. We decided to make ourselves cozy next to the beer coolers. I would never describe myself as boy-crazy by any stretch of the imagination, but for some reason or another, I couldn’t shake the feeling that God was at work.

As I mingled around, chatting with friends and enjoying my Boulevard Wheat, I was still trying to play it cool and pretend as if all was well. Meanwhile, my mind was running off in thousands of directions. I attempted to conjure up every excuse I could think of to brush it off. Amusing myself with ideas like, ‘He probably already has a girlfriend.’ ‘He would never be interested in me anyway.’ There’s always my personal favorite; ‘Nicole you’re crazy… making this all up in your mind.’

Toward the end of the evening a college friend of mine, Paul wandered over to Clare and me to catch up. While filling him in on all my Houston adventures, Pat came over to say hello to Paul. Naturally, Paul introduced us…and then it happened…a line that has gone down as one of the stupidest things you could say to a stranger.

I want to stress how important it is that you recall all the random comments I had heard about Pat in the past few years. This makes what I said to a mere stranger seem a little less bizarre.

And so the conversation went…

Paul: “Nicole, this is Pat Padley.”

Me: “Wait…you’re Pat Padley?”

Pat: “Ugh..yeah.”

Me: “Oh my gosh, it’s the man, the myth and the legend.”

Yes, I actually said that.

I immediately realized he had no idea who I was and in my mortified state I tried to backtrack as best I could. I followed this awesome moment in time by attempting to explain that I knew his brother, Nick, but it was too late. The image of Pat staring at me with a blank and utterly confused look on his face will forever be burned in my mind as the moment I met my future husband.

Thankfully, this sort foot-in-mouth disorder is one I’ve been coping with since childhood, so I’ve gotten pretty good at recovering from the awkward situations I all too often find myself in. I laughed it off as nothing more than me being dramatic, which is basically what it was. Lucky for me even God can work with the foot-in-mouth disorder and bring the best out of it. Only time and a few more Boulevards would help me recover from this one.

Find out what happens next: Read Part 3 here

A Guy Named Pat Padley (How We Met, part 1 of 4)

March 13, 2013 / Nicole Padley / 3 Comments

As a reader of this blog, it is important that you realize a few things about me before I begin the saga of Pat and I’s journey to the altar. One, I love to tell stories and details are important. Two, I believe that God actively works in our lives. In this case, He has worked in a perfectly entertaining and unexpected way.

To set the scene for you all, back in 2008 I was working as a youth minister and Pat was working in video production. We had never met and wouldn’t until 2011. He was dating someone else at the time and so was I. We were both perfectly happy and had wonderful things ahead of us. Then God decided to shake things up a bit.

I can recall many late Sunday nights working in the youth room with my co-worker, Brian and Pat’s older brother, Nick, who volunteered with us. On more than one occasion the two of them would invite me to go out for drinks or just to hang out always try to entice me by telling me that I really needed to meet this guy, Pat. The phrase “you two would just get along great” seems to sound familiar to me. I always declined mostly because I was tired and lazy and a few extra hours of sleep seemed more appealing than chilling with some random guy and my co-workers.

Comments like this came up in conversations more than I would like to admit, and not just from my co-workers but other friends too. Here and there I would hear people mention him in passing, describing him as “really cool,” “really tall” and insisting that I meet him. Beyond these friends and coworkers merely encouraging me to meet him, more often than not they seem shocked that my life had not been privileged enough to cross paths with such an outstanding specimen.

Now if you know me at all, you know that I am rarely impressed. We’re all just people anyway and seriously nobody can be that cool. I mean it’s not Jesus we are talking about here. This Pat fella…he’s just a guy or so I thought. Little did I know what God had up His sleeve. Find out what happened next in part two of this four-part saga.

CHECK OUT: Part two: You Said That?!?!

Going All Natural: 7 Reasons NFP is for Me

February 27, 2013 / Nicole Padley / 2 Comments

Pat and I have been knee deep in wedding planning. After weeks and weeks of searching online, calling people, leaving messages and setting up times to visit we can finally rest in the fact that progress has been made. We have a church, a priest, a DJ, a photographer and yes FINALLY…we have a venue. Cue the hallelujahs and heavenly hymns.

Just as every good Catholic couple planning their nuptials, we have recently begun our Natural Family Planning classes.

Contrary to many who might feel uneasy or uncomfortable in a situation like this, Pat and I were rather excited to begin learning about NFP. I mean, after all, we get to talk about sex and what could be bad about that?

Aside from the fact that artificial contraception directly goes against our moral beliefs, we were looking forward to all the positives of going all-natural on this one. Positives? Like what you ask.

While there are plenty of people who know a whole lot more about this Natural Family Planning than I do…here are a few of the reasons I am stoked to get to it naturally.

1. I’m marrying for keeps.

I’m not sure about you, but I plan on this whole wedding/marriage being a one-time thing. Just as the countless others who take that leap of faith and walk down the aisle I hope and pray for a joyful, fulfilling and life-giving marriage. I want Pat to always cherish and love me in the way he does now. Likewise, I hope to always respect and honor Pat as my husband just as I strive to now. From all that I’ve read and heard about NFP I can only conclude that this type of family planning will support our hopes for marriage as this method promotes conversation between spouses about the future of their family.

2. Why pay for sex?

Simply stated, depending on the method you use NFP is free once you’ve learned the basics. I’m choosing to work with my body’s natural fertility to either postpone or plan a pregnancy. No trips to CVS to fill a prescription and pick up some condoms. I don’t know about you but a shopping spree sounds much more appealing to me than buying rubbers.

3. I’m going green.

I’ve never been one to jump on the bandwagon, but when it comes to personal health I’m on board. For all you vegans, vegetarians, carnivores or whatever else floats your boat…take a look at NFP.

A recent blog I stumbled upon (www.iusenfp.com) gives a good explanation of some of the harms associated with hormonal contraceptives. “One of the active ingredients in most hormonal contraceptives is estrogen which has been classified by the World Health Organization as a Class 1 carcinogen. What’s a Class 1 carcinogen, you ask? It’s a chemical with sufficient evidence proving its carcinogenicity to humans. Other chemicals that share this distinction are arsenic, asbestos, silica dust, and tobacco. Another chemical that is in Depo-Provera (the shot) is depo-medroxyprogesterone acetate (DMPA) which has been linked with a 2.2 increase in breast cancer.”

Using Natural Family Planning helps save the #environment. #sustainable #ecofriendly

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4. It works.

That’s right folks Natural Family Planning is not the rhythm method your grandmother used in the 1930s and 1940s. NFP works with all women’s cycles: irregular or not. In fact compared to other popular forms of birth control NFP does quite well in measures of effectiveness. NFP measures at a 99% effectiveness rate comparing with the Pill at 99% and condoms at 97%.

Now, of course, it must be stated that these measures of effectiveness are based on proper use.

If you forget to talk the Pill one day and have sex you are taking a chance with pregnancy.

If a condom breaks or you choose not to use one, you are taking a chance.

Likewise, if your charting at peak ovulation time and decide to have sex, you are taking a chance.

5. Why kill the mo-jo?

The answer is I don’t. According to its own warning label, the Pill can cause a decrease in a women’s libido, leading her to lose interest in sex altogether. Don’t believe me just research it yourself. Countless sources repeat this over and over again. http://www.health.com/health/condition-article/0,,20326842,00.html

6. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

I don’t view my fertility as a problem to be fixed or an illness to be cured. Obviously, I’m a woman and just as all women I was created with ovaries. These ovaries of mine seem to work just fine so can someone please tell me why I would want to mess with my body if it is working just as it was created to work?

While maybe not today at some point in the future I would like to have children with this man I’m about to marry. So I personally would prefer not to mess with my fertility. This way when we do want to start a family there is nothing stopping us. Natural Family Planning is 100% reversible. On any given month Pat and I will be able to decide whether to postpone our family or get to making babies. On the other hand most hormonal birth control recommends that you stop use 3-4 months before you desire to get pregnant. 3-4 months and that is assuming all goes according to plan.

7. I snagged a stud like Pat by staying away from the Pill.

I realize that this final point doesn’t directly relate to why I’ve chosen to use NFP. However, it does reinforce my decision to keep in natural. A short video chalked full of interesting info. Enjoy!

How the Pill Affects Your Dating Choices and Attraction Level (Video) #Contraception

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Intrigued? Read more about Natural Family Planning:

http://IuseNFP.com

http://www.janetesmith.com

http://nfpsite.aldred.org

http://americanpregnancy.org/preventingpregnancy/fertilityawarenessNFP.html

http://www.ccli.org/nfp/

http://nfp.marquette.edu

http://www.creightonmodel.com/

Wikipedia on NFP

Photos credited to IuseNFP.com

Be a Great Teacher: 7 Tips for a New Teacher

February 15, 2013 / Nicole Padley / 0 Comments

As I am now over half-way through my first year of teaching, I reflect back to some of the best teaching advice I’ve received so far. Middle school can be a treacherous age as students sift through hormones and changing bodies toward adulthood, but let’s not forget those blessed souls who are courageous enough to teach them. I am among this crazy breed of people who have chosen this avenue as my life’s work. I don’t just want to be another average educator. I’m striving to be a great teacher. So here it is…some of the best tips I’ve received so far on how to be a great teacher. The following tips are from the brave men and women who have gone before me in this wacky career called teaching.

1. All great teachers cried a lot their first year.

Well, that is good to know considering I had emotional breakdowns on average once to twice a week. Don’t believe me. I’m sure that Pat would be more than happy to vouch for me on this one. While I have become slightly more in control of my outbursts this semester, they still seem to creep up much more often than they did at any other phase of my life.

2. Great teachers realize it matters, but it doesn’t really matter.

Let’s be real here people. I am making a difference, but the beginning and end of these kids’ lives are not hinged on my teaching skills or lack thereof. Yes, what I am teaching (religion) matters and it is important that the students learn. That being said, I have quickly realized that I am not going to reach all of them no matter how hard I try. I will drive my fragile little soul to madness before I am able to successfully engage each and every one of my 150 students in each and every single one of my lessons.

Even so, if I can engage each student once or twice this year and get them to question/think about issues they never have before than job well done. The best I can do is the best I can do and somehow I will need to learn to be okay with that.

3. Great teachers are not faint of heart.

We can’t expect everyone to get why we have chosen to pour our heart and soul into this profession and these kids. In fact, it sometimes takes a conscious decision not to scream at someone who tells me, “Oh you’re a teacher, must be nice to get off work at 3:30 and have summer vacations.” If they only knew the strife and personal turmoil teachers go through for their students. My personal favorite summation of teaching is as follows:

“If a doctor, lawyer, or dentist had 40 people in his office at one time, all of whom had different needs, and some of whom didn’t want to be there and were causing trouble, and the doctor, lawyer, or dentist, without assistance, had to treat them all with professional excellence for nine months, then he might have some conception of the classroom teacher’s job.”

4. Great teachers never quit.

Someone once told me “don’t even consider leaving education until you’ve been in it for at least three years.” I would be lying if I said it hadn’t crossed my mind once or twice in the past five months. At the same time I realize that anything worth doing takes some effort and hard work. To be a great teacher it is going to take at least a few years just to get the hang of all that teaching entails: managing a classroom, getting comfortable with the curriculum, planning engaging lessons, etc. So until I really feel like I’ve hit my stride I won’t even consider leaving this profession. Plus, if the looming cloud of $20k in graduate school loans for a degree in education doesn’t motivate one to continue in a profession I don’t know what does.

5. Great teachers don’t take it personally.

Kids can be cruel. We all can recall back to childhood days of being picked on and teased on the playground, while my students don’t pick on me (at least not to my face) they have done and said things that at times really can cut deep…probably without even realizing it. So although it may be easy for me to get focused on hurt feelings, I must remember that I am the adult in this situation and sometimes being the adult means sacrificing my wounded pride and brushing it off…even if only for appearances. More often than not the kids don’t realize how much their words or behaviors can hurt another (even a teacher). So hike up your big-girl pants, princess and move on.

6. Great teachers enjoy the awkward.

This may not necessarily apply to all teachers, but anyone who has ever taught middle school knows how true this is. Adolescence is an awkward age to say the least. Students may come in late and grumbling under their breath about you one day, then tell you that you are their favorite teacher the next. Just the other day in fact I had a student asking me to be his valentine and showing his affection by giving me a ring pop ring…yes I am serious. While this sort of uncontained ball of hormones may intimidate some, those who are truly called to this line of work learn to sit back and enjoy the free entertainment.

7. Great teachers love the kids.

I’ve only failed if I’ve failed to love the kids. This is so true. The students aren’t going to remember me for how much I taught them, but rather how much I loved them. Lord, may each student who walks into my classroom feel important, loved and respected by me.

Well, there it is the best I’ve got so far. I learn more and more about these students and this profession everyday, may I always keep a spirit of learning and humility for as long as I teach.

Got any other advice for a first year teacher? Post them in the comments below.

A Couple of Catholics